Growing up.

Lesson learned: I am resisting growing up. While everyone around me is growing up and doing adult-like things like paying bills, dieting and getting ready to sign leases - I am trying to put all of them off. Resisting them with a fiery passion.

I'm scared. Scared of not having enough money to eat. Scared of going into debt. Scared of being left with others responsibilities if they fall short of their commitments. Just scared I guess.

I want to grow up. I do. It's nice to think about having a house of your own and being able to furnish it how you please and share it with whoever you want to. I want to have my own car. Pay for my own insurance and other bills. I'm scared to take any initiative towards that though.

When people told me that college was hard, I never imagined that it would be this hard. I thought the classes would be more difficult but they aren't really. The hard part of college is learning how to really take care of yourself and being away from your family. Getting a job at college can be a struggle. Making friends can be a struggle. In your late teens and early twenties most people are still trying to figure out who they are and they have to be thinking about where they want to go with their lives too.

I'm struggling with that. I love English. I love reading. So, of course, I am taking up English at college. I have no idea what I want to do with it really. I think I might like to teach or go into publishing. I just don't know. I'm scared that things won't pan out the way I want them to.

I used to think of myself as outgoing-free-spirited-not-afraid-of-anything kind of person but now I am not so sure. I want to be able to just do something and not be scared of what is going to happen. I want to be able to make more decisions and be able to deal with the outcomes if they are not what I expected.